When I first started taking my anti-depressant, I was so scared of losing myself. I thought that taking an anti-depressant would mean turning into a monotonous zombie with no sadness, but no happiness either. A person that was completely unable to accomplish anything creative.
But, I took it every day and then I started going to therapy and I worked hard on being ok. And I no longer imagine horrible scenarios, and I no longer feel lonely when I’m by myself for a week, and I don’t think of myself as a lazy so-and-so, because I’ve accepted who I am. And I shot four commercials, and wrote my first spec script this year, (the longest thing I’ve ever written that was creative and not a research paper), and I did stand-up for the first time, and I gained real friends, and I reconnected with old friends, and I took a ukulele class, and I traveled to Peru. And I’m just as creative now as I was then, but now, I actually finish projects.
But there are some times that I forget to take my medicine. I always remember at 10:30 that night. But I found that if I take my anti-depressant late at night, then I won’t sleep and what’s the point when I can just wake up and take it then after a good night’s rest. This has been happening more and more frequently. And yesterday was a day that I forgot to take my medicine.
The first few hours in the morning can be hard. I’m sure it’s psychosomatic. I’m sure that my being permanently off medication wouldn’t be as dramatic as it feels in the first few hours. But I’m also super sure that right now, in this moment, a loop of doubt that I thought I had conquered, is back. And I can see what depression is like. I feel the weight of it.
And I stuffed a bunch of weird food in my face and called it breakfast. Then I ran in and took my medicine because I was scared of it getting worse and I was scared of it leading to a lack of work today. And I was scared to go back to a place I’ve worked really hard to get away from.
So I used to be scared of losing myself to medication, but now, I’m scared to live without it.
And sometimes, we are scared of change, and sometimes we are scared to go back.